Fanboy

On March 10, 2019, casting announcements were made for the upcoming blockbuster film, Vasco Irkin: Cosmic Navigator. The film, which is based on the globally successful series of sci-fi novels, and which promised to be only the first in a series of films, would revolve around the exploits of protagonist Vasco Irkin, described by the character's creator as, "a sort of intergalactic freedom fighter-slash-bounty hunter, with a streak of Robin Hood in his DNA." 

Upon the announcement that the lead role, which fans had speculated would go to Chris Pratt, would actually be played by Michael B. Jordan, chaos ensued in the social media world. 

Avid fan of the Irkin Vasco novels Hank Modine took to Twitter with the following Tweets:

Total pandering to libtard agenda. Vasco Irkin is WHITE. I should know: I've won 6 ribbons at cosplay events in the last three years, with my perfect Irkin simulation.

Heart broken. Jordan is NOT the Vasco Irkin we know and love. R there no white actors, anymore? #BoycottVascoIrkinMovie #VascoAintBlack #WhiteVasco

I liked Black Panther just fine, but this is BS. Give us the Vasco Irkin we deserve #BoycottVascoIrkinMovie #WhiteActorsMatterToo 

I M NOT RACIST! Just talking about what's right. #WhiteIsRight #WhiteActorsMatterToo

If U care about Vasco Irkin, go to Rotten Tomatoes and give this movie a thumbs down. #KillThisMovie #BoycottVascoIrkinMovie #WhiteActorsMatterToo

Modine's rant garnered significant attention, and the hashtags he created trended for three days, turning Modine into an instant internet celebrity. When People Magazine picked up the story and interviewed him, the 46 year old Cable TV technician was quoted as saying, "I have nothing against black people. Nothing. This is NOT about racism, but about what's right. It's about the true and accurate history of the Vasco Irkin universe. I've read all 12 of the novels multiple times. I've been heavily involved in Irkin cosplay. I've even written Vasco Irkin fan fiction. If anyone knows this character, it's me, and Vasco Irkin is NOT black. I like Chris Pratt for the role, myself, but ANY of the Chrises would be great. What the hell is Chris Evans doing, now that the Avengers saga is about to be tied up? Did they even call him? I'm just so sick of everything being so politically correct, and EVERY role going to a black guy, even when the character is white!"

People also reached out to the notoriously reclusive author of the Vasco Irkin novels, who would also serve as Executive Producer of the film. Sylvia Montey, who cites Alexander Dumas, Octavia Bulter, Alejandro Carpentier, and Jane Austen as her main literary influences, made an exception to her 'no media contact' policy and issued the following statement:

"We auditioned a number of actors for this role, and Michael B. Jordan was the clear favorite of all involved. He's an amazing, versatile actor. He's the perfect age and build. He has the sort of screen presence we rarely see, anymore. What's more, he's a huge fan of the Vasco Irkin novels, and he understands the vision I have for this character and the universe the character inhabits. The question of race is puzzling, especially since Vasco Irkin, the character I created, hails from a planet in a ficticious, far-away star system, where there are no European or African beings. Race is a man-made construct, and Vasco Irkin is not a man or a woman, but an entirely different species of being."

Vasco Irkin: Cosmic Navigator was released in January, 2020, to rave reviews, and broke all box office records for a science fiction film. 

We Don't Need No Education

When informed, on March 6th, 2002, that he and his entire steelworking crew would be required to attend a cultural sensitivity workshop Boris Gulker called for an emergency union meeting. When union members gathered the next morning in the Keystone Steelworks staff lunch room, Boris took the lead.

"We have to stand together and demand that this new requirement of so-called 'cultural sensitivity training' be abolished," he said, "I have better things to do with a Saturday afternoon than this shit. This is the first step towards affirmative action. One day it's mandatory cultural sensitivity training, next thing you know, it's a racial quota, and after that? Say goodbye to your union job while some illegal with 10 kids, who can't even speak English takes it away from you. The LAST thing we need is cultural sensitivity training!"

South of the Border

On March 5, 2017 Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Blankenship of Laredo, Texas were returning home from their annual road trip through Mexico. In the trunk of their car, inside of a ziplock bag, stashed in an empty toiletry bag, and packed deep in his suitcase, were half a dozen guava fruit. Joseph and his wife loved this particular variety of the fruit, which were not available stateside, and he'd decided to try and propagate the seeds on his own land.When they encountered especially tight border patrols and inquisitive Customs agents, and were asked several times if they had anything to declare or surrender, Joseph was especially glad that he'd hidden the fruit so well. Still, the level of security and the number of questions he was asked irked him.

"We never had any trouble going back and forth, until the lefties elected Obama," he said to his wife, "I shouldn't have to be grilled at the border. I'm a goddamned American citizen! This is what you get when you have a guy from Kenya in the White House." 

By the end of March, Mrs. Blankenship became worried about an ongoing fruit fly problem which had developed. It started in the kitchen, but quickly spread to the rest of the house and, oddly, their small orchard, where fruit flies could be seen hovering around the fruit trees in large numbers. It got so that the Blankenships each had to walk around carrying bug spray, and Mr. Blankenship could no longer stand to even step out into the orchard, where the fruit flies were literally swarming. 

Joseph Blankenship finally gave in and called an exterminator. 

Bubba Jones, of Yellow Rose Extermination Services, surveyed the situation and broke the news to the Blankenships. "What you have here is no ordinary infestation," he said, "because these aren't ordinary fruit flies. These here are Mexican fruit flies. An invasive species. Aggressive as all hell, and tough as pig iron. Almost impossible to control. I'll do what I can to get them out of the house, but it won't be cheap and, as for your orchard?  You won't be eating fruit from those trees any time soon. Figs, nectarines, peaches, oranges? They're a wash for this year. Maybe longer, if this infestation can't be controlled. You see, these suckers lay their eggs inside the fruit and eat their way out. Everything growing on those trees is ruined. The best you can hope for is that the trees can be salvaged and you'll have a halfway decent crop next year. This spring, though? You'll have to get your peaches at the Piggly Wiggly, like the rest of us." 

Irate about the expense, and the fact that an entire crop of fruit had been as good as lost, Mr. Blankenship railed against the unfairness of it all.

"Mexican fruit flies!? I'm losing my whole crop to goddamn Mexican fruit flies? And having to pay through the nose, to boot? You see, Gladys?" he complained to his wife, "This is exactly why we need to crack down at the border, build a goddamn wall, and put a stop, once and for all, to all of this bullshit. Even their fruit flies stink to high hell. I never even heard of Mexican fruit flies when George W. Bush was president! It's just a good thing this Obama nightmare is almost over."

O-Tay

On March 4, 2014, an exhibition of new works by renowned African American painter Arvie Smith debuted at the Portland Museum of Contemporary Art. Among the pieces on display was Smith's We Be Loving It, a painting which integrates the wide-eyed, wild-haired Buckwheat trope into a setting reminiscent of Munch's The Scream. The piece is one which came about as a response to the murder of Michael Brown by Furguson, Missouri police officers, and the ongoing absence of justice, when it comes to police brutality and excessive force directed at, and total disregard for the lives of black men, women, and youth.

When asked about the painting and it's relationship to this issue, Smith was quoted as saying, "...with the killing of this young man it just all tied together. You can kill a Buckwheat. You can kill something that you have dehumanized — something that is no longer human to you — it's a lot easier to dispose of."

Longtime museum security guard Silas J. Abernathy viewed the painting while on duty, and observed museum attendees and their reactions to it. He was later heard to remark to a coworker, "Some black guy with a paint brush and a fancy degree hangs that on the wall, and it's "art." I dress up like that for a variety show at the lodge and it's "racist." That, my friend, is what you call a double standard, and it's why this country is going straight to hell."

F451

On March 3, 2014, the Baton Rouge chapter of The Oath Keepers of the Confederacy launched a campaign to ban Uncle Tom's Cabin from the public school curriculum and have all copies removed from the Louisiana Public Library System. In a manifesto mailed to every newspaper and television station in the state, they cited the overwhelmingly negative depiction of Simon LeGree and the reinforcement of widely-held stereotypes about slave-owners as their reasons for objecting so strongly to the novel. When a group of 75-100 Oath Keepers staged a book burning in front of the East Baton Rouge Public Library, librarians called the Baton Rouge Police.

Upon arriving at the site, where several dozen copies of Harriet Beecher Stowe's anti-slavery novel served as fuel for the bonfire set by the protestors, Officer Lafayette "Fais Do Do" Fontenot was met by the three librarians who stood several feet from the bonfire, crying and begging the protestors not to destroy any more books. Officer Fontenot calmed the hysterical women down, and told the Oath Keepers to "go on home" as he didn't want to see any of "you nice boys" end up spending the night in a jail cell.

The group dispersed, leaving the fire to burn, and all were allowed to leave without any further action taken by law enforcement. The librarians, who were confused as to why no one had been arrested, were left to put out the flames and clean up the mess of burnt paper.

The following day, a reporter from The Baton Rouge Register called Officer Fontenot and requested a response to media reports that the three librarians had filed a formal complaint against him and were demanding a full-scale investigation of his failure to make a single arrest, even though he'd witnessed a crime in progress. 

"Those little ladies need to calm the hell down," Fontenot replied, "I was there and I can tell you that what I saw was just some good ole boys having some fun. No one got hurt. It was a peaceful protest which, last I checked, was the right of every American. Matter of fact, the only ones making a fuss were those three librarians - bawling and yelling...and now they've got the papers and the news stations hassling me. My phone's been ringing all day, and there are reporters parked in front of my house. You know what that is? It's a goddamned lynch mob - that's what it is." 

After an investigation, the librarians' complaint was found to have no merit. Officer Fontenot successfully petitioned to have any mention of the incident or the investigation removed from his file. The Oath Keepers of the Confederacy went on to stage a dozen more book burnings throughout the state. Uncle Tom's Cabin was not officially removed from library shelves, but it was pulled from the public school curriculum. 

American Made

On March 2, 2020 Andrew Bland, an efficiency expert with US-based apparel firm, "Made In America," boarded a Cathay Pacific flight bound for China. The purpose of his trip was to visit the company's manufacturing division, located in the Guangxi province, to investigate a lag in production. After suffering the indignity of being forced to wear a mask upon landing and disembarking, and finding that everyone he encountered spoke English only as a second language, Bland was further disturbed to learn that, due to the especially high Coronavirus death toll in this disenfranchised region, operations at the factory had been temporarily halted. He immediately sent the following email to Made In America's CEO:

"It's bad. They've shut down the factory, completely. Something about 1/3 of the adults in the region having died from this ridiculous Chinese flu, and there not being enough healthy adults to supervise the children who work the looms. These kids have been doing this sort of work from the time they could stand up and walk, so I'm not sure what supervision could possibly be required. If you ask me, it's belly-aching from lazy people who don't want to work. I've crunched the numbers. We're obviously not paying anyone, which saves us $75-100 a day in wages and other operating expenses, but it also means not churning out the usual $6,000 - 7,000 in merchandise every day. My recommendation: raise the retail price of the hats by a 25 cents, and scout an even poorer region for labor. If we offer .75 on the dollar of what we usually pay, we'll be fully operational in a couple of days and our 2nd quarter profit margin should show an increase of 14%. Whatever you do: don't worry. I've got this. We'll get through this crisis." 

On March 3rd, Made In America introduced the "Chinese Tax" on all their products.

On June 30th, Made In America's second quarter profits broke all previous records. 

Revived

On this day in 2004, River Sizemore and his partner, Willow Barrington, formerly of Portland, Oregon, had their dreams shattered when they were forced by federal officers to abandon the shipping container house they'd built at the foot of the Cascade Mountains - a stretch of land which is within the boundaries of the Warm Springs Reservation, home of the Wasco and Paiute nations. When interviewed by The Central Oregonian about their heartbreaking ordeal, Sizemore was quoted as saying, "It's not fair. It took us three whole weekends to build our dream home. We're invested. To have our home stolen from us like this is just devastating. I can't believe something like this could happen in America." 

Retired

 Due to the escalating level of racial violence in this country, and the current administration's support of white supremacist activity, the White Histrionics project has been permanently retired. 

April 2

Upon being asked why she refused to give up her seat on the bus, the late, great Rosa Parks replied, "People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically... No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Do not think I'm enough of an asshole to compare myself to Rosa Parks. Not even close. She was brave as all get-out. She took chances. She quite literally risked her life in an effort to get a small bit of human decency out of people. She was someone we should make sure our kids know about and admire. 

I, on the other hand, am someone who sits in my safe, comfortable apartment, jots down some uncomfortably funny scenarios from a safe distance, and hopes they'll make people laugh and think and squirm and, in some small way, challenge the status quo. What I do is as easy and safe and cushy as it gets yet, this year, it bruised my heart, as corny as that sounds. It exhausted me.

If I'm exhausted, I can't even imagine the sort of tired a Rosa Parks must have felt. 

A few people have asked me about the last couple of White Histrionics entries for the year, which I never wrote. I'll be honest: seeing more and more shit like this, in the actual news, made it more and more difficult to write a new entry every day. No bit of satire I could dream up and write down could be a better example of how fucking privileged white folks in this country have it, than THIS sort of thing. 

I've been doing White Histrionics Month for a few years, now, and started documenting it in blog form in 2016. I'm not sure there will be a month of White Histrionics in 2019 - not because there isn't enough material to work with, but because there's TOO MUCH. 

The fact that a white person wrote to me, early in March, to let me know how hurtful, offensive, and divisive they found White Histrionics to be, and how unfair to white people they thought it was, should have tipped me off that this year's White Histrionics Month was going to be a rough one. 

What started out as a creative endeavor has ended up being a little bit soul-killing. No one who really needs to open their eyes to the major problem this country has with race actually WANTS to. No one who really needs to step up and admit that they, as a white person, enjoy privileges that their non-white counterparts do NOT is willing to do so. I'm not saying that there are NO white people who get it. I'm saying that the ones who get it, already get it. The ones who don't? They don't want to and, frankly, I don't believe they ever will. 

I'm not sure how I'll feel about this in a year, but I at least wanted to explain why March 2018 on this blog is an incomplete month. I also wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read even a single post, everyone who shared the link with others, everyone who suggested topics or submitted entries (Robert Sanchez - you know I love you) and every person who wrote to ask where the rest of the month's posts were: the fact that you've read what I've written, and want more, means a lot to me. 

March 27

Newly elected Mayor of Alabaster, Alabama, Selwyn Montgomery, had the distinction of being the southern city’s first black person to hold this office - a personal triumph for the great great grandson of slaves who had labored on a peanut farm in this very community. After winning by a landslide, Montgomery hit the ground running by passing two ordinances regarding public health. The first required all public school children to present up-to-date immunization records on the first day of school, or be turned away until such records be made made available or immunizations updated. The ordinance made provisions for children whose immunizations were not up-to-date to receive virtual lessons via the internet, until their parents were in compliance. The second ordinance devoted the City’s annual financial surplus to the funding of free immunizations for all school-aged children living within the Alabaster city limits. 

While most applauded the Mayor’s bold stance on the issue, 8th generation Alabasterian Wendell Montgomery III, (no blood relation) a member of The John Birch Society, founder of The Alabaster Southern Heritage Brotherhood, and loser, by a wide margin, of the recent mayoral election, did not. “Monty,” as Wendell Mongomery III was called, had run on a ‘personal freedom/hands-off government’ platform which had not appealed to many locals. With respect to the new vaccine policies, he cried foul to the media, stating, “The people of Alabaster, where my family has been farming peanuts since 1803, before Alabama was even a state, will come to regret their choice of mayor. Selwyn Montgomery is already showing total disregard for the civil rights of the private citizen. Today, he’s forcing y’all to vacinate your babies. Tomorrow, he’ll be telling you how to make love to your women and raise your sons. This vaccine business is exactly the sort of dangerous government interference that exemplifies why we need to get back to the south of yesteryear, when the rights of the individual man were given some respect.”

March 26

Nathaniel Parker, a native of Chicago and a long-time ACLU supporter ripped up a reminder to renew his membership, upon reading in the accompanying Member Newsletter that the social justice organization’s chief focus for the year would be protecting the rights of Syrian immigrants and refugees who were at risk of deportation. When his wife saw the mailing in the recycling bin, she was shocked - they had supported the ACLU as a couple for over 15 years. When she asked him if he’d meant to throw the newsletter and remit envelope away, Nathaniel explained that his recent experience at O’Hare Airport - over an hour at a security checkpoint, having to remove his shoes, belt, ring, and his laptop, and the humiliation of having to be frisked and subjected to an under-the-waistband check, when the x-ray unit detected the metal pins from his knee surgery. “I’m as liberal as the next guy,” he told her, “and I’ve always been willing to sign a check to support anyone’s civil rights, no matter what their ethnicity, but I’ve had it. Air travel used to be something I looked forward to, but that’s all changed, and it’s because of the whole Middle East terror threat.  Who’s taking up a collection to get things back to the way they used to be, is what I want to know? Why am I supporting their rights, when my own are being violated?”

Appalled, Isabel Parker reminded her husband that not all Middle Easterners were the same, that the 9/11 hijackers had not been Syrian, at all, and that the ACLU didn’t, as far as she knew, have any plans to fight for the rights of Saudi, Egyptian, or Lebanese refugees. Realizing he’d aimed his anger at the wrong immigrant group, Nathaniel admitted his error in being so hasty, and renewed their ACLU membership online.

March 25

Investment strategist Charles Kolb, who was celebrated for decades as "Wall Street's King Midas," was arrested and charged with over 600 counts of fraud and grand larceny when it was discovered that he had been doctoring records to indicate wealthy clients' monies had been placed in long-term, high-yield investments. In reality, Kolb had diverted all of his clients' money into untraceable foreign accounts he had set up for himself. Due to a technicality regarding the wording of the search warrant which had been issued, the presiding judge had no choice but to deem all the evidence collected inadmissible, reject the case due to a lack of admissible evidence, and grant Kolb his freedom. Kolb went directly to JFK airport and boarded a chartered plane bound for Algeria, where he was free to access the stolen monies, settle into a sprawling estate, and set the wheels in motion for acquiring citizenship. The lack of a U.S./Algerian extradition treaty meant that, for all intents and purposes, Kolb was home free. 

With charges against Kolb no longer viable, Congressman Richard Pembroke, of Idaho,  who'd invested (and lost) an undisclosed amount with Kolb, introduced a bill that, if passed, would cut off humanitarian aid to Algeria, a country where 24% of the population live at or below the poverty level, and unemployment among people under 30 has reached as high as 70%. The bill was fast-tracked and passed, despite an official declaration from the United Nations stating that the Algerian people had no part in Kolb's illegal activity, and stood to gain nothing by his presence in their country. In response to the U.N.'s declaration, Pembroke, who had a history of opposing legislation aimed at protecting the rights of women, minorities, and other protected classes, quoted Mary Wollstonecraft in a Tweet, "It is justice, not charity that is wanting in the world. The people of Algeria have a lot to answer for." 

March 24

When the American Coalition For Civil Rights (ACCR) chose as honorees, at their annual Freedom Fighters Awards gala, the founders of Black Lives Matters, the decision caused controversy among ACCR members. 

Black Lives Matters, which was officially founded in 2013, as a direct response to the racially-motivated murder of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin, and the disregard with which the crime was handled by law enforcement, is a social justice/activist movement without boundaries, which calls attention to systemic racial inequality in the United States, including police violence against people of color. 

The controversy around the award stemmed from a faction of ACCR members who, in 2016, founded El Bonnet Rouge, a social justice coalition which received wide media coverage because of the many high-profile celebrities who offered their support by donning the floppy, red, woolen caps that were associated with the group, and with the strong merchandising arm of the movement, which marketed not only red caps, but buttons, miniature versions of the red caps (suitable for cats or small dogs), coffee mugs, tshirts, cell phone cases, branded styluses, an adult social justice coloring book, and a special Bonnet Rouge Latte, produced in conjunction with Starbucks. Founders of El Bonnet Rouge objected to Black Lives Matter being singled out for their work in the social justice arena and pointed out that, in recognizing the efforts of BOTH movements, the ACCR would at least avoid offending the efforts of the many allies who "preferred a color-blind brand of social justice." 

Bowing to pressure from a large number of dues-paying members, the ACCR  backtracked, and named Black Lives Matter and El Bonnet Rouge co-honorees. 

Commemorative "ACCR Freedom Fighter" floppy, red, woolen hats and a range of other related merch is available at www.ElBonnetRougeSwag.com, and Jamba Juice has announced their newest smoothie: Freedom Fighter Raspberry Rouge, available for a limited time, only. 

March 23

When a passenger on the bus being driven by Latifah Conway collapsed, other passengers stood up and ran to the side of the older man. Conway pulled over, and took charge of the situation. She radioed in for an ambulance, ordered everyone to return to their seats and give the fallen passenger space, and began administering CPR. As she was administering CPR, she instructed one passenger to sit at the driver's seat, and man the radio, in case any attempt at communication was made, and ordered another to go through the fallen passenger's briefcase, and pull out any prescription or over-the-counter drugs he found, as they may well be important for the paramedics to know about.  A six-car pile-up several miles down the road significantly delayed the arrival of the paramedics, but Conway knew that ongoing CPR was the best chance her passenger had of surviving.  Exhausted as she was, she pushed on. When the ambulance arrived, paramedics couldn't risk moving the fallen man off the bus. One paramedic took over CPR on site, while the other readied a defibrillator unit. Making sure all was clear, they used the machine on the passenger and, after three tries, got his heart back to a steady rhythm. As the paramedics loaded their patient on to the ambulance, one of them told Latifah Conway that she had certainly saved the man's life, by single-handedly administering CPR, without letting up, for over 25 minutes. 

Later that day, The Maryland Transit Administration received an email from a passenger. Kaitlyn Polhemus-Fiske wrote to complain that she'd missed an important meeting with a software developer, on account of the driver of her morning bus, who she described as "an upitty African-American woman with unkempt hair" making an unnecessary stop. 

March 22

When ride-share giant MegaRide launched in Dallas, Texas, their slogan was, "Ride ANYWHERE, and ride for LESS, with MegaRide." The Dallas County Taxi Commission petitioned to keep MegaRide from entering the private transportation business in Dallas, which they basically ran as a monopoly. A public hearing was called by County officials - a technicality, as such meetings, although mandated, were rarely attended by members of the public. To the surprise of the Taxi Commission, there was not an empty seat in the meeting room - most of them were occupied by black residents who had banded together with the support of a community organizer. Attendees were each given three minutes to speak freely. One after another, the black residents of Dallas made their public comments about the difficulty they'd had over the years, in getting taxis to pick them up or drop them off in Oak Cliff, a predominantly black community, and how they welcomed an alternative to yellow taxis, especially one that pledged their drivers would cover every corner of the county. 

Also in attendance were several taxi drivers, all of whom spoke about how MegaRide's aggressive advertising, coupled with their business model would make it impossible for them to earn a living wage as taxi drivers. Several drivers who spoke accused MegaRide of providing transportation to the residents of Oak Cliff to attend the hearing.

While the driver's stories were compelling, County officials could not ignore the strong point made by the large contingency from Oak Cliff, and ruled that MegaRide could, indeed, begin operating in Dallas.

A mere 18 months after MegaRide was given the go-ahead, Alamo Yellow Cab, a company well known for refusing fares to Oak Cliff, filed Chapter 11. A spokesperson for the company made an official comment to the press: "Next Tuesday, the 120 men who now earn their livings and feed their families as Alamo drivers will no longer have jobs to go to. I would urge the good people of Dallas to remember, the next time they hail a MegaRide car, that the two or three dollars they're saving is ruining the lives of very real people, by stealing their livelihood. I have lived in Dallas my entire life, and have always known this city and county to be a community where we all hold each other up. I never thought I'd see the day when the people of Dallas would tear one another down with such callous disregard." 

March 21

When the school board of district 5, in Marquette Michigan announced that they would be broadening the Social Studies curriculum at the high school level to include a unit on African American Vernacular English, public opinion was divided. In a compelling letter to the school board, 5th generation Michiganian Liam Larsson stated his argument against their decision in simple terms:

"My objection has nothing to do with with race. I have no issue with our African American brothers and sisters, and have had black friends, myself. My objection to the new direction the school board has taken is that it's just one of many recent steps towards* the complete bastardization of the English language. As a retired English teacher, the preservation of the English language - of both the words encompassed within it, and the grammatical rules which govern it -is something I take very seriously. Language is not a fashion or fad. Teaching an "alternative," "urban" form of English is nothing more than pandering to those who seek to introduce low, common slang into the lexicon. This sort of thing might sit well with flat-landers** and other mitten-dwellers***, but we Yoopers**** have an opportunity to draw a line in the sand and declare that there is only one true English language, with no room for slang or deviation of any kind - regardless of a speaker's ethnicity!" 

*In a deviation from standard American English, residents of Michigan's Upper Peninsula tend to use the word "towards" instead of "toward."

**A playful, affectionate colloquialism referring to Michigan residents who live in the less rugged Lower Peninsula is "flat-landers." This terms is Michigan-specific, and not to be confused with Vermont's use of the word "flatlander" (no hyphen) to refer, disparagingly,  to out-of-state visitors.

***On the map, Michigan's Lower Peninsula vaguely resembles a mitten. Those who live in the Lower Peninsula are often referred to as "mitten-dwellers." 

****Derived from the abbreviation U.P., which stands for Upper Peninsula, "Yooper" is a colloquial term which refers to anyone from this region of Michigan.

March 20

On this day in 2016, when the announcement regarding Hendrickson Technologies' annual college scholarship - which provided full 4-year college tuition and related expenses for a local high school senior exhibiting excellence in STEM - was made, the news caused dissent among residents of Chattanooga, Tennessee where Hendrickson was based. The winner of 2016's award was Francisca Delgado, a 16 year old high school senior, whose family had moved to Tennessee, from Puerto Rico, 2 years before. 

Delgado, who had been enrolled in gifted/talented public school programs since the first grade, and who had skipped a grade when she at 12 years of age, when it was found that she was performing at an academic level far above her peers, even within the gifted/talented spectrum, had only recently exhibited a special affinity for science. In a short time, however, it was clear to both her parents and her teachers, that this was where both her greatest talents, and her truest passion lie. 

While faculty of Leonidas Polk High School appluaded Hendrickson Technologies' choice, many Chattanooga families voiced their opposition, citing that the award had historically been granted to a local young person in the pursuit of his or her goals, not an outsider. A handful of parents banded together to form a coalition - Society for the Preservation of American Rights - and set about to have the rules of the Hendrickson Technologies annual award clearly define the parameters for qualification to include American students, ONLY.  SPAR issued a press release stating that, while they wished Delgado the best in all of her future endeavors, they were dismayed at the growing trend of men, women and even children from other countries coming to the U.S. and snatching educational and professional opportunities that rightfully belonged to Americans. 

When a reporter from the Chattanooga Times Argus called SPAR's leader, Gilroy Benton III, to ask if he was aware that, not only was there nothing to indicate that Hendrickson Technologies had ever intended for their prize to be reserved for U.S. citizens, but that Puerto Rico was, in fact, an American territory, and that all Puerto Ricans are American citizens, he was told that Mr. Benton had no comment. 

March 19

Arianna Jackson was thrilled when her agent called to say that Paragon Studios wanted to speak to her about the possibility of the young screenwriter taking a stab at adapting Octavia Butler's Earthseed Series for the big screen. It was the sort of opportunity every writer dreams of. She flew to L.A. to meet with Paragon's Head of Development, Malcolm Fuller. Jackson was flattered to learn that Fuller was familiar with all of her work - even her early credits for a couple of very low budget web series. Fuller had clearly done his homework, and recognized Jackson's raw talent. The discussion about what Paragon was looking for in the adaptation was robust: Fuller was a fan of the novels, and was thinking they could easily be adapted into a screen trilogy, or even a four-part saga. The conversation hit a snag when Fuller mentioned that, in writing her outline, she should keep in mind popular teen singer Pamela Quick, who was looking to branch out into acting, and had expressed an interest in the lead role. Arianna pointed out that the Earthseed series revolved around a protagonist who was African American, and that Quick, who was white, would never work in the role. Fuller just laughed and said, "You're the writer. You'll make it work. Color means nothing in this day and age, anyhow." Jackson, who had been a fan of Octavia Butler's work since her teens, could not let this go. She pointed out that, while the idea of color-blind casting might seem great in theory, in this case, it would be detrimental to the spirit of the source material. Fuller took Arianna's words to heart and then explained that, as a black person, herself, she should know better than anyone that,"Blacks, in general, just don't DO sci-fi. Quick has a huge following among white AND black music fans, and she wants to star in this. We've got you writing it, so there's no way anyone can say there's any kind of racism going on. Pammy Quick gets her movie career, the studio makes a bundle on a big-budget film series starring the hottest teen pop star to come along in decades, you get a very impressive writing credit under you belt, and fans of the Earthseed books get the movies they've been clamoring for. Everybody wins. " When Jackson naively asked, "What about Octavia Butler and her vision?" Fuller's answer was chillingly concise and to-the-point: "Octavia Butler is dead. Paragon buys properties, not visions."

Jackson turned down the offer. Her most recent IMDB credit is for a corporate training film on workplace diversity. 

March 18

After a brutal attack on a NYC street, 60 year old Indrajit Laghari had to be taken to Bellevue Hospital by ambulance, where he was treated for cuts, bruises, several broken ribs, and a broken jaw. Police on the scene had been forced to use significant force to pull Laghari's attacker, 19 year old ameteur wrestler Jesse Barberra, off of his victim. On the drive to Manhattan's First Precinct, Barberra informed the officers that Laghari, a street vendor, had sold him a DVD of the most recent Wrestlemania extravaganza. Upon trying to watch it with a group of his wrestling buddies, he'd discovered the DVD was a shaky mess, clearly filmed using a cellphone. The poor-quality bootleg had ruined everything, and Barberra's friends had given him a hard time about having been ripped off by a "dothead." In the heat of anger, he'd gone out to find Laghari packing up his wares, and attacked him in full view of several passers-by, who called the police. At this point in his confession, Barberra began to cry, saying he didn't want to go to prison, and that his mother would be heartbroken, as he'd never gotten into any kind of trouble, before. Taking pity on the young man, Officer Mike Mulraney assured him that nothing discussed in the squad car was "on the record" and that, seeing as how Langhari had been selling bootleg merchandise, and didn't seem to have a vendor's license, anyhow, it was highly unlikely that a kid with a clean record would spend any more than a few hours in jail.

March 17

David Jorgenssen and Jean-Pierre Montreaux, a San Francisco couple who met through Prêt-à-Porter Elite Matchingmaking, a service for gay professionals searching for life partners, researched matrimonial customs from all over the world, as they planned their own wedding. One custom, which came up in internet search after internet search, was that of jumping the broom. They liked the aesthetic of this tradition, and decided it would have a place in their wedding ceremony. Upon hearing of their idea, wedding planner D'arren Riggins, a mixed-race man originally from South Carolina, informed them that he felt uncomfortable about two European-American men integrating a custom so closely associated with African-American slave culture into their wedding, and urged them to forget it. He explained that, most closely associated with Africans enslaved in North America, the tradition of jumping the broom harked back to a time when slaves were not afforded the opportunity to enter into legal marriage and, instead, carried out the ritual of jumping from one side of the broom to the other, signifying a passing of one stage of life into another. He further explained that appropriation of a ritual which had such strong significance to the African-American community, and such strong ties to America's history of slave trade, for purely aesthetic reasons, was something many people - including himself - would find somewhat offensive. After discussing it, David and Jean-Pierre decided the only course of action would be to find another wedding planner - no small feat, with a wedding date just six months away. After all, this was supposed to be their day and, as gay men, they had fought long and hard for the right to marry - no one was going to tell them how they could or could not do it. 

In the note David sent, demanding their deposit back, he wrote, "We expected you, of all people - a gay, black man from the American south - to understand why getting married on our own terms is so important to us. We were clearly mistaken, and your true colors have come to light."