Thursday, March 3, 2016

March is White Histrionics Month. The Struggle Is Real, People.

Support White Histrionics Month by using the #WhiteHistrionicsMonth hashtag throughout March.
Check back, daily, to find out about white people and their histrionic behavior, throughout history.

March 31

On this day in 2016, Donald Trump was still reeling over the sane and rational public's reaction to his assertions that the Geneva Conventions "pose a problem," that waterboarding was a good thing, that women who opt for abortions should be "punished," that Hispanic immigrants are criminals, and that there should be a ban on U.S. Travel by Muslims. After all, it was patently unfair for a white man hoping to be president to be held under such scrutiny.

March 30

On this day in 1988, a group of students from Morehead State University demanded a refund from STA Travel when they arrived at El Hotel Punta Cana, D.R. for Spring Break, and discovered the beach resort was only half a mile away from a shanty town inhabited by Dominican families with no access to indoor plumbing. When interviewed by The Morehead Trailblazer, 19 year old Derek Frost commented, "It ruined Spring break for me. I mean, the resort was awesome, and I got laid, but I work hard all year, just for this one week, and that eyesore just down the road really put a damper on things. No one goes to the Caribbean to see a bunch of poor people." 

March 29

On this day in 1961, Eduardo Martinez, a groundskeeper at a golf course in San Jose, CA was bitten by a black widow spider while on the job. He was rushed to the nearest medical center, where he died of complications. Members of the El Dorado Country Club were shaken at having to tee off from a green that hadn't been evenly mowed.

March 28

On this day....wait, I can't even. Just read.

March 27

On this day, in 2013, Inger Stuart-Mathis met her favorite sorority sisters for the weekly reunion at their favorite restaurant, Paleobilities. When the waiter brought their meals, she was disturbed to see that her organic quail with reed orzo was the only one without the essential and colorful plate garnish of cilantro. She fell into a deep depression, necessitating two years of intense therapy and holistic life-coaching. Thankfully, she emerged victorious and now sells cilantro planters made out of discarded glass test tubes at the Sunshine Is You Market of Happiness in Sonoma.

March 26

On this day in 1875, after a six week sea voyage, the Atherton family of Sussex, England arrived in the port of Auckland, New Zealand, and were horrified to learn that there was no proper road leading directly to the acerage which had been cleared of local Maori and reserved for their family homestead.

March 25

On this day in 1986,  propro-surfer-turned-Hollywood-actor Kyle Parker Harris, best known for his portrayal of Jesus Christ in "Nazereth - The Motion Picture," was interviewed by Variety, and revealed his frustration at not having landed the lead role in Beverly Hills Cop. Harris was quoted as saying, "I love Eddie Murphy as much as the next guy, but that character was written as a blonde, white dude. I understand going with a hot star, but I worry about Hollywood's tendency to act the revisionist in this way. It's just nor fair to the writer, the audience, or to a white actor, such as myself. Read the source material. That should have been my role."

March 24

On this day in 1899, General John Phillip Mackenzie of the Uinited Stated Navy landed at the port of Yauco, on the island of Puerto Rico, which had recently become a U.S. Territory. After 20 minutes of trying to issue orders to local citizens, it became clear to him that not a single one of them understood or spoke English. He immediately sent a wire to his superiors in Washington, D.C., complaining about communication problems with the locals, and expressing his concern that the U.S. had been duped into taking over a colony of simpletons of very low intelligence.

March 23

On this day in 2014, Gary Dunsmore decided to use Uber pool, to knock an additional $6 off the fare to SFO, and was dismayed when the car arrived, already transporting two other passengers. He made sure to give the driver a low rating for dropping the other two passengers off, first, and for not having a proper rack on which to strap his skis.

March 22

On this day in 1960, Stuart Lancaster of Erie, PA was presented with a 1956 Thunderbird, as a 17th birthday gift. He was crushed, and had no idea how he could possibly be seen driving to West Erie HS in a used car.

March 21

On this day in 2015, Joseph Harrington of Baton Rouge, LA, opened an account with Within an hour, he had traced his roots as far back as 1773, when his ancestors owned a large plantation in Virginia, which had been purchased with earnings made in the lucrative business of transporting slave labor from the African continent. When compiling his family tree, Harrington omitted the less savory details regarding the nature of his family's wealth, to spare his children embarassment and shame.

March 20

On this day in 1917, late-season snowfall resulted in the postponement of the start of the East Hampton polo season. Scheduled attendees of the planned festivities were forced to take shelter at the South Fork Country Club, and partake in a variety of indoor activities.

March 19

On this day in 1979, Vernon Carter III walked into his teenaged daughter's room and discovered she was listening to a 45rpm single of The Sugarhill Gang's Rapper's Delight. Upset at what he described to his wife as "just a bunch of coloreds talking nonsense - it's not even real music," he retreated to bed, where he remained for several days, until Mrs. Carter convinced her daughter to play The Knack's My Sharona at full volume, and convince her father that everything was back to normal.

March 18

On this day in 1973, Phil and Marjorie Hukster of Manhattan's Upper West Side discovered that the Pocono Mountains, where they had purchased a summer home, was not in any way fashionable. Phil became ill, with a barrage of symptoms ranging from light-headedness, to nausea, to incontinence. Doctors at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center took a series of tests, and determined Phil was suffering from a case of Hysteria De'classe'. The syndrome was not fatal, but the diagnosis proved extremely popular within the Hukster's social circle, and their social standing was restored.

March 17

On this day in 1798, Ezequiel Barstow's wagon wheel cracked as he was transporting bales of hay to a farm just outside of Richmond, Virginia. He went to the nearest livery stables, where Lazarus Mobley accepted an IOU in lieu of payment for a replacement wheel. Once the wheel was hitched to his wagon, Barstow drove to the local constable's station to report that Mobley, a slave whose owner gave him a wide berth in running the day-to-day operation of the stables, had clearly violated laws forbidding blacks to learn to read or write. Mobley was whipped and placed in the stocks for one week, but his life was spared, as the town could not afford to lose a skilled wheelwright.

March 16

On this day in 1939, Colonel George "Cracker" Mayberry, of Macomb, Georgia, founded the Whiskey River Records jazz label, and signed on blues singer Lilly-Belle "The Swan" Jackson. The exclusive contract called for a one-time payment of $5 per recording for The Swan, with all profits from sales, and all future intellectual property rights going to Mayberry. Within ten years, Mayberry was a millionaire, and The Swan, who was struggling financially, was trying to get out of her Whiskey River contract. Upon hearing The Swan's request, a circuit judge refused to nullify the contract, and publicly chastised Lillie-Belle for her blatant greed, and her efforts to take advantage of the man who had made her famous.

March 15

On this day in 1986, Francine Dwyer, a regular at Spago, was horrified to learn that Wolfgang Puck's version of the Caesar salad, which she had been consuming every Wednesday after tennis, for three years, contained a whopping 1500 calories.

March 14

On this day in 2001, Gregory Marks, of San Francisco, California, checked into an ecoresort in Costa Rica, and was horrified to discover there was only dial-up.

March 13

On this date in 1863, white families in New York City were enraged to learn the price of opting out of mandatory military service had been raised to $50.

March 12

On this day in 1965, Frank and Mary Portnoy, of Sudbury, Vermont - life-long liberals who opposed the rampant segregation in the south and had campaigned for the passing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 - were dismayed to learn that desegregation of public facilities included their own local elementary school, library, and swimming pool.

March 11

On this day in 1994, Caroline Schneider was talked into going on a blind date and realized, when the young man picked her up, that he was Asian.

March 10

On this day in 1980, David Ellis Parker III and his wife, Lizbeth, stormed NYC Board of Education's main office, to protest the fact their son, Trevor, had been deemed ineligible to take the exam for NYC's specialized high schools because of math scores which landed him in the bottom third percentile. Noting that their son was clearly gifted and talented, and that the Citywide tests MUST skew in favor of Asians, they demanded justice. Sadly, the criteria to qualify for the test was not changed. The Parkers eventually sent Trevor to Horace Mann.

March 9

On this day in 2013, Jessica Babich realized that the local grocery nearest her new apartment in Bushwick did not stock stone ground matcha.

March 8

On this day in 1622, having fled England due to religious intolerance, Thaddeus and Goodwife Parker arrived in the New World, and were taken aback by the indigenous peoples' idol-worship and overtly pagan rituals.

March 7

On this day in 1970, white Americans were shocked and appalled to discover that the resolution of the boycott of California grapes had resulted in a 1% increase in the cost of Cold Duck. 

March 6

On this date in 1993, actor Ben Affleck was pulled over by a California Highway Patrol Officer, after being clocked doing 70 on a residential street in Compton. Officers discovered he was driving with a suspended license, had a white, powdery substance under his nose, had an unregistered handgun in his glove compartment and open beers cans strewn over the passenger seat. Smelling liquor on his breath as he explained that he had gotten lost trying to take a short cut to Bel Air. They did the only decent thing, and gave him a police escort home, to ensure his safe return to his family. 

March 5

On this date in 1798, Josiah Smythe of Norfolk, Virginia purchased an African woman named Bessie at auction. While on transit back to Smythe's farm, Bessie was stung by a bee, suffered an immediate allergic reaction, and died of anaphylactic shock. The loss was devastating to the Smythe family, who could not afford another $40 for a kitchen maid.

March 4

On this date in 1983, L.L. Bean's Spring catalogue was mailed out to millions of American families. Due to an editorial fluke, the listing and accompanying photo of the Classic Wrinkle-Free Oxford was omitted from the catalogue, and a national state of panic ensued. By the time the L.L. Bean company was made aware of the error, and sent out amended catalogues to its mail order customers, three members of Harvard's Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity had already plunged to their deaths off the Leonard P. Zakim Bunker Hill Memorial Bridge. The Double L Suicide Pact is widely regarded as the greatest tragedy in Ivy League history. 

March 3

On this date in 1996, Margaret Hemsworth requested that her monthly shift requirement at the Park Slope Food Co-Op be permanently waived, enabling her to devote more time to Bikram yoga. This request was denied, resulting in a flare-up of Ms. Hemsworth's self-diagnosed fibromyalgia. The struggle is real

March 2

On this date in 1978, Chad Mathews of Darien, Connecticut was required to produce photo identification when attempting to cash a third-party, out-of-state check at a Bank of America branch. He wrote a strong letter to BoA's main office, describing the injustice he had suffered. The teller, an African American woman who had been employed by the bank for 16 years, was subsequently fired. Mathews is recognized as a pioneering freedom fighter for the civil rights of white men with money.

March 1

On this date in 2011, Dr. And Mrs. Walter Darrow of Berkeley, CA, missed All Things Considered, due to a 73 minute power outage in the SF Bay area. The day came to be known as The Berkeley Atonement..