April 2

Upon being asked why she refused to give up her seat on the bus, the late, great Rosa Parks replied, "People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically... No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Do not think I'm enough of an asshole to compare myself to Rosa Parks. Not even close. She was brave as all get-out. She took chances. She quite literally risked her life in an effort to get a small bit of human decency out of people. She was someone we should make sure our kids know about and admire. 

I, on the other hand, am someone who sits in my safe, comfortable apartment, jots down some uncomfortably funny scenarios from a safe distance, and hopes they'll make people laugh and think and squirm and, in some small way, challenge the status quo. What I do is as easy and safe and cushy as it gets yet, this year, it bruised my heart, as corny as that sounds. It exhausted me.

If I'm exhausted, I can't even imagine the sort of tired a Rosa Parks must have felt. 

A few people have asked me about the last couple of White Histrionics entries for the year, which I never wrote. I'll be honest: seeing more and more shit like this, in the actual news, made it more and more difficult to write a new entry every day. No bit of satire I could dream up and write down could be a better example of how fucking privileged white folks in this country have it, than THIS sort of thing. 

I've been doing White Histrionics Month for a few years, now, and started documenting it in blog form in 2016. I'm not sure there will be a month of White Histrionics in 2019 - not because there isn't enough material to work with, but because there's TOO MUCH. 

The fact that a white person wrote to me, early in March, to let me know how hurtful, offensive, and divisive they found White Histrionics to be, and how unfair to white people they thought it was, should have tipped me off that this year's White Histrionics Month was going to be a rough one. 

What started out as a creative endeavor has ended up being a little bit soul-killing. No one who really needs to open their eyes to the major problem this country has with race actually WANTS to. No one who really needs to step up and admit that they, as a white person, enjoy privileges that their non-white counterparts do NOT is willing to do so. I'm not saying that there are NO white people who get it. I'm saying that the ones who get it, already get it. The ones who don't? They don't want to and, frankly, I don't believe they ever will. 

I'm not sure how I'll feel about this in a year, but I at least wanted to explain why March 2018 on this blog is an incomplete month. I also wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read even a single post, everyone who shared the link with others, everyone who suggested topics or submitted entries (Robert Sanchez - you know I love you) and every person who wrote to ask where the rest of the month's posts were: the fact that you've read what I've written, and want more, means a lot to me. 

March 27

Newly elected Mayor of Alabaster, Alabama, Selwyn Montgomery, had the distinction of being the southern city’s first black person to hold this office - a personal triumph for the great great grandson of slaves who had labored on a peanut farm in this very community. After winning by a landslide, Montgomery hit the ground running by passing two ordinances regarding public health. The first required all public school children to present up-to-date immunization records on the first day of school, or be turned away until such records be made made available or immunizations updated. The ordinance made provisions for children whose immunizations were not up-to-date to receive virtual lessons via the internet, until their parents were in compliance. The second ordinance devoted the City’s annual financial surplus to the funding of free immunizations for all school-aged children living within the Alabaster city limits. 

While most applauded the Mayor’s bold stance on the issue, 8th generation Alabasterian Wendell Montgomery III, (no blood relation) a member of The John Birch Society, founder of The Alabaster Southern Heritage Brotherhood, and loser, by a wide margin, of the recent mayoral election, did not. “Monty,” as Wendell Mongomery III was called, had run on a ‘personal freedom/hands-off government’ platform which had not appealed to many locals. With respect to the new vaccine policies, he cried foul to the media, stating, “The people of Alabaster, where my family has been farming peanuts since 1803, before Alabama was even a state, will come to regret their choice of mayor. Selwyn Montgomery is already showing total disregard for the civil rights of the private citizen. Today, he’s forcing y’all to vacinate your babies. Tomorrow, he’ll be telling you how to make love to your women and raise your sons. This vaccine business is exactly the sort of dangerous government interference that exemplifies why we need to get back to the south of yesteryear, when the rights of the individual man were given some respect.”

March 26

Nathaniel Parker, a native of Chicago and a long-time ACLU supporter ripped up a reminder to renew his membership, upon reading in the accompanying Member Newsletter that the social justice organization’s chief focus for the year would be protecting the rights of Syrian immigrants and refugees who were at risk of deportation. When his wife saw the mailing in the recycling bin, she was shocked - they had supported the ACLU as a couple for over 15 years. When she asked him if he’d meant to throw the newsletter and remit envelope away, Nathaniel explained that his recent experience at O’Hare Airport - over an hour at a security checkpoint, having to remove his shoes, belt, ring, and his laptop, and the humiliation of having to be frisked and subjected to an under-the-waistband check, when the x-ray unit detected the metal pins from his knee surgery. “I’m as liberal as the next guy,” he told her, “and I’ve always been willing to sign a check to support anyone’s civil rights, no matter what their ethnicity, but I’ve had it. Air travel used to be something I looked forward to, but that’s all changed, and it’s because of the whole Middle East terror threat.  Who’s taking up a collection to get things back to the way they used to be, is what I want to know? Why am I supporting their rights, when my own are being violated?”

Appalled, Isabel Parker reminded her husband that not all Middle Easterners were the same, that the 9/11 hijackers had not been Syrian, at all, and that the ACLU didn’t, as far as she knew, have any plans to fight for the rights of Saudi, Egyptian, or Lebanese refugees. Realizing he’d aimed his anger at the wrong immigrant group, Nathaniel admitted his error in being so hasty, and renewed their ACLU membership online.

March 25

Investment strategist Charles Kolb, who was celebrated for decades as "Wall Street's King Midas," was arrested and charged with over 600 counts of fraud and grand larceny when it was discovered that he had been doctoring records to indicate wealthy clients' monies had been placed in long-term, high-yield investments. In reality, Kolb had diverted all of his clients' money into untraceable foreign accounts he had set up for himself. Due to a technicality regarding the wording of the search warrant which had been issued, the presiding judge had no choice but to deem all the evidence collected inadmissible, reject the case due to a lack of admissible evidence, and grant Kolb his freedom. Kolb went directly to JFK airport and boarded a chartered plane bound for Algeria, where he was free to access the stolen monies, settle into a sprawling estate, and set the wheels in motion for acquiring citizenship. The lack of a U.S./Algerian extradition treaty meant that, for all intents and purposes, Kolb was home free. 

With charges against Kolb no longer viable, Congressman Richard Pembroke, of Idaho,  who'd invested (and lost) an undisclosed amount with Kolb, introduced a bill that, if passed, would cut off humanitarian aid to Algeria, a country where 24% of the population live at or below the poverty level, and unemployment among people under 30 has reached as high as 70%. The bill was fast-tracked and passed, despite an official declaration from the United Nations stating that the Algerian people had no part in Kolb's illegal activity, and stood to gain nothing by his presence in their country. In response to the U.N.'s declaration, Pembroke, who had a history of opposing legislation aimed at protecting the rights of women, minorities, and other protected classes, quoted Mary Wollstonecraft in a Tweet, "It is justice, not charity that is wanting in the world. The people of Algeria have a lot to answer for." 

March 24

When the American Coalition For Civil Rights (ACCR) chose as honorees, at their annual Freedom Fighters Awards gala, the founders of Black Lives Matters, the decision caused controversy among ACCR members. 

Black Lives Matters, which was officially founded in 2013, as a direct response to the racially-motivated murder of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin, and the disregard with which the crime was handled by law enforcement, is a social justice/activist movement without boundaries, which calls attention to systemic racial inequality in the United States, including police violence against people of color. 

The controversy around the award stemmed from a faction of ACCR members who, in 2016, founded El Bonnet Rouge, a social justice coalition which received wide media coverage because of the many high-profile celebrities who offered their support by donning the floppy, red, woolen caps that were associated with the group, and with the strong merchandising arm of the movement, which marketed not only red caps, but buttons, miniature versions of the red caps (suitable for cats or small dogs), coffee mugs, tshirts, cell phone cases, branded styluses, an adult social justice coloring book, and a special Bonnet Rouge Latte, produced in conjunction with Starbucks. Founders of El Bonnet Rouge objected to Black Lives Matter being singled out for their work in the social justice arena and pointed out that, in recognizing the efforts of BOTH movements, the ACCR would at least avoid offending the efforts of the many allies who "preferred a color-blind brand of social justice." 

Bowing to pressure from a large number of dues-paying members, the ACCR  backtracked, and named Black Lives Matter and El Bonnet Rouge co-honorees. 

Commemorative "ACCR Freedom Fighter" floppy, red, woolen hats and a range of other related merch is available at www.ElBonnetRougeSwag.com, and Jamba Juice has announced their newest smoothie: Freedom Fighter Raspberry Rouge, available for a limited time, only. 

March 23

When a passenger on the bus being driven by Latifah Conway collapsed, other passengers stood up and ran to the side of the older man. Conway pulled over, and took charge of the situation. She radioed in for an ambulance, ordered everyone to return to their seats and give the fallen passenger space, and began administering CPR. As she was administering CPR, she instructed one passenger to sit at the driver's seat, and man the radio, in case any attempt at communication was made, and ordered another to go through the fallen passenger's briefcase, and pull out any prescription or over-the-counter drugs he found, as they may well be important for the paramedics to know about.  A six-car pile-up several miles down the road significantly delayed the arrival of the paramedics, but Conway knew that ongoing CPR was the best chance her passenger had of surviving.  Exhausted as she was, she pushed on. When the ambulance arrived, paramedics couldn't risk moving the fallen man off the bus. One paramedic took over CPR on site, while the other readied a defibrillator unit. Making sure all was clear, they used the machine on the passenger and, after three tries, got his heart back to a steady rhythm. As the paramedics loaded their patient on to the ambulance, one of them told Latifah Conway that she had certainly saved the man's life, by single-handedly administering CPR, without letting up, for over 25 minutes. 

Later that day, The Maryland Transit Administration received an email from a passenger. Kaitlyn Polhemus-Fiske wrote to complain that she'd missed an important meeting with a software developer, on account of the driver of her morning bus, who she described as "an upitty African-American woman with unkempt hair" making an unnecessary stop. 

March 22

When ride-share giant MegaRide launched in Dallas, Texas, their slogan was, "Ride ANYWHERE, and ride for LESS, with MegaRide." The Dallas County Taxi Commission petitioned to keep MegaRide from entering the private transportation business in Dallas, which they basically ran as a monopoly. A public hearing was called by County officials - a technicality, as such meetings, although mandated, were rarely attended by members of the public. To the surprise of the Taxi Commission, there was not an empty seat in the meeting room - most of them were occupied by black residents who had banded together with the support of a community organizer. Attendees were each given three minutes to speak freely. One after another, the black residents of Dallas made their public comments about the difficulty they'd had over the years, in getting taxis to pick them up or drop them off in Oak Cliff, a predominantly black community, and how they welcomed an alternative to yellow taxis, especially one that pledged their drivers would cover every corner of the county. 

Also in attendance were several taxi drivers, all of whom spoke about how MegaRide's aggressive advertising, coupled with their business model would make it impossible for them to earn a living wage as taxi drivers. Several drivers who spoke accused MegaRide of providing transportation to the residents of Oak Cliff to attend the hearing.

While the driver's stories were compelling, County officials could not ignore the strong point made by the large contingency from Oak Cliff, and ruled that MegaRide could, indeed, begin operating in Dallas.

A mere 18 months after MegaRide was given the go-ahead, Alamo Yellow Cab, a company well known for refusing fares to Oak Cliff, filed Chapter 11. A spokesperson for the company made an official comment to the press: "Next Tuesday, the 120 men who now earn their livings and feed their families as Alamo drivers will no longer have jobs to go to. I would urge the good people of Dallas to remember, the next time they hail a MegaRide car, that the two or three dollars they're saving is ruining the lives of very real people, by stealing their livelihood. I have lived in Dallas my entire life, and have always known this city and county to be a community where we all hold each other up. I never thought I'd see the day when the people of Dallas would tear one another down with such callous disregard." 

March 21

When the school board of district 5, in Marquette Michigan announced that they would be broadening the Social Studies curriculum at the high school level to include a unit on African American Vernacular English, public opinion was divided. In a compelling letter to the school board, 5th generation Michiganian Liam Larsson stated his argument against their decision in simple terms:

"My objection has nothing to do with with race. I have no issue with our African American brothers and sisters, and have had black friends, myself. My objection to the new direction the school board has taken is that it's just one of many recent steps towards* the complete bastardization of the English language. As a retired English teacher, the preservation of the English language - of both the words encompassed within it, and the grammatical rules which govern it -is something I take very seriously. Language is not a fashion or fad. Teaching an "alternative," "urban" form of English is nothing more than pandering to those who seek to introduce low, common slang into the lexicon. This sort of thing might sit well with flat-landers** and other mitten-dwellers***, but we Yoopers**** have an opportunity to draw a line in the sand and declare that there is only one true English language, with no room for slang or deviation of any kind - regardless of a speaker's ethnicity!" 

*In a deviation from standard American English, residents of Michigan's Upper Peninsula tend to use the word "towards" instead of "toward."

**A playful, affectionate colloquialism referring to Michigan residents who live in the less rugged Lower Peninsula is "flat-landers." This terms is Michigan-specific, and not to be confused with Vermont's use of the word "flatlander" (no hyphen) to refer, disparagingly,  to out-of-state visitors.

***On the map, Michigan's Lower Peninsula vaguely resembles a mitten. Those who live in the Lower Peninsula are often referred to as "mitten-dwellers." 

****Derived from the abbreviation U.P., which stands for Upper Peninsula, "Yooper" is a colloquial term which refers to anyone from this region of Michigan.

March 20

On this day in 2016, when the announcement regarding Hendrickson Technologies' annual college scholarship - which provided full 4-year college tuition and related expenses for a local high school senior exhibiting excellence in STEM - was made, the news caused dissent among residents of Chattanooga, Tennessee where Hendrickson was based. The winner of 2016's award was Francisca Delgado, a 16 year old high school senior, whose family had moved to Tennessee, from Puerto Rico, 2 years before. 

Delgado, who had been enrolled in gifted/talented public school programs since the first grade, and who had skipped a grade when she at 12 years of age, when it was found that she was performing at an academic level far above her peers, even within the gifted/talented spectrum, had only recently exhibited a special affinity for science. In a short time, however, it was clear to both her parents and her teachers, that this was where both her greatest talents, and her truest passion lie. 

While faculty of Leonidas Polk High School appluaded Hendrickson Technologies' choice, many Chattanooga families voiced their opposition, citing that the award had historically been granted to a local young person in the pursuit of his or her goals, not an outsider. A handful of parents banded together to form a coalition - Society for the Preservation of American Rights - and set about to have the rules of the Hendrickson Technologies annual award clearly define the parameters for qualification to include American students, ONLY.  SPAR issued a press release stating that, while they wished Delgado the best in all of her future endeavors, they were dismayed at the growing trend of men, women and even children from other countries coming to the U.S. and snatching educational and professional opportunities that rightfully belonged to Americans. 

When a reporter from the Chattanooga Times Argus called SPAR's leader, Gilroy Benton III, to ask if he was aware that, not only was there nothing to indicate that Hendrickson Technologies had ever intended for their prize to be reserved for U.S. citizens, but that Puerto Rico was, in fact, an American territory, and that all Puerto Ricans are American citizens, he was told that Mr. Benton had no comment. 

March 19

Arianna Jackson was thrilled when her agent called to say that Paragon Studios wanted to speak to her about the possibility of the young screenwriter taking a stab at adapting Octavia Butler's Earthseed Series for the big screen. It was the sort of opportunity every writer dreams of. She flew to L.A. to meet with Paragon's Head of Development, Malcolm Fuller. Jackson was flattered to learn that Fuller was familiar with all of her work - even her early credits for a couple of very low budget web series. Fuller had clearly done his homework, and recognized Jackson's raw talent. The discussion about what Paragon was looking for in the adaptation was robust: Fuller was a fan of the novels, and was thinking they could easily be adapted into a screen trilogy, or even a four-part saga. The conversation hit a snag when Fuller mentioned that, in writing her outline, she should keep in mind popular teen singer Pamela Quick, who was looking to branch out into acting, and had expressed an interest in the lead role. Arianna pointed out that the Earthseed series revolved around a protagonist who was African American, and that Quick, who was white, would never work in the role. Fuller just laughed and said, "You're the writer. You'll make it work. Color means nothing in this day and age, anyhow." Jackson, who had been a fan of Octavia Butler's work since her teens, could not let this go. She pointed out that, while the idea of color-blind casting might seem great in theory, in this case, it would be detrimental to the spirit of the source material. Fuller took Arianna's words to heart and then explained that, as a black person, herself, she should know better than anyone that,"Blacks, in general, just don't DO sci-fi. Quick has a huge following among white AND black music fans, and she wants to star in this. We've got you writing it, so there's no way anyone can say there's any kind of racism going on. Pammy Quick gets her movie career, the studio makes a bundle on a big-budget film series starring the hottest teen pop star to come along in decades, you get a very impressive writing credit under you belt, and fans of the Earthseed books get the movies they've been clamoring for. Everybody wins. " When Jackson naively asked, "What about Octavia Butler and her vision?" Fuller's answer was chillingly concise and to-the-point: "Octavia Butler is dead. Paragon buys properties, not visions."

Jackson turned down the offer. Her most recent IMDB credit is for a corporate training film on workplace diversity. 

March 18

After a brutal attack on a NYC street, 60 year old Indrajit Laghari had to be taken to Bellevue Hospital by ambulance, where he was treated for cuts, bruises, several broken ribs, and a broken jaw. Police on the scene had been forced to use significant force to pull Laghari's attacker, 19 year old ameteur wrestler Jesse Barberra, off of his victim. On the drive to Manhattan's First Precinct, Barberra informed the officers that Laghari, a street vendor, had sold him a DVD of the most recent Wrestlemania extravaganza. Upon trying to watch it with a group of his wrestling buddies, he'd discovered the DVD was a shaky mess, clearly filmed using a cellphone. The poor-quality bootleg had ruined everything, and Barberra's friends had given him a hard time about having been ripped off by a "dothead." In the heat of anger, he'd gone out to find Laghari packing up his wares, and attacked him in full view of several passers-by, who called the police. At this point in his confession, Barberra began to cry, saying he didn't want to go to prison, and that his mother would be heartbroken, as he'd never gotten into any kind of trouble, before. Taking pity on the young man, Officer Mike Mulraney assured him that nothing discussed in the squad car was "on the record" and that, seeing as how Langhari had been selling bootleg merchandise, and didn't seem to have a vendor's license, anyhow, it was highly unlikely that a kid with a clean record would spend any more than a few hours in jail.

March 17

David Jorgenssen and Jean-Pierre Montreaux, a San Francisco couple who met through Prêt-à-Porter Elite Matchingmaking, a service for gay professionals searching for life partners, researched matrimonial customs from all over the world, as they planned their own wedding. One custom, which came up in internet search after internet search, was that of jumping the broom. They liked the aesthetic of this tradition, and decided it would have a place in their wedding ceremony. Upon hearing of their idea, wedding planner D'arren Riggins, a mixed-race man originally from South Carolina, informed them that he felt uncomfortable about two European-American men integrating a custom so closely associated with African-American slave culture into their wedding, and urged them to forget it. He explained that, most closely associated with Africans enslaved in North America, the tradition of jumping the broom harked back to a time when slaves were not afforded the opportunity to enter into legal marriage and, instead, carried out the ritual of jumping from one side of the broom to the other, signifying a passing of one stage of life into another. He further explained that appropriation of a ritual which had such strong significance to the African-American community, and such strong ties to America's history of slave trade, for purely aesthetic reasons, was something many people - including himself - would find somewhat offensive. After discussing it, David and Jean-Pierre decided the only course of action would be to find another wedding planner - no small feat, with a wedding date just six months away. After all, this was supposed to be their day and, as gay men, they had fought long and hard for the right to marry - no one was going to tell them how they could or could not do it. 

In the note David sent, demanding their deposit back, he wrote, "We expected you, of all people - a gay, black man from the American south - to understand why getting married on our own terms is so important to us. We were clearly mistaken, and your true colors have come to light." 

March 16

At a meeting of the Harper Lee Elementary School PTA, in Mobile, Alabama, faculty announced that a new program, wherein all homework assignments would be done and submitted by students using a new, cloud-based portal, was going to go into effect for 5th graders. For the most part, parents looked pleased. One parent, though - Jessie Monroe, a single mother who earned her living as a bookkeeper - raised her hand to say that her family didn't own a computer or have wifi, because they couldn't afford such luxuries. Principal Charlie Mansfield prevented his staff from replying, and took the mike, himself, to say, "Miss Monroe, we're here to give your child an education. Other than that, it's your job to see she gets what she needs. I advise you figure something out."

At the end of the evening, after all the parents had left, Mansfield heard a couple of his staff saying they'd felt badly for Jessie Monroe. Their sympathies were put to rest, though, when Mansfield noted that, if Jessie Monroe owned both a car and a cell phone, she could find the money, someplace, to get her kid a laptop computer. 

March 15

On this evening in 1986, Christian Televangelist Winston"Dill" Pickles of Andalusia, Alabama, who had risen to prominence with his staunch, public condemnation of interracial marriage and lax U.S. policies on immigration, was publicly humiliated when he was arrested during an FBI sting operation. Operation Lost Child, which was the culmination of 8 years' worth of FBI undercover work, targeted a multi-national sex slave ring which victimized underaged girls from Southeast Asia. The girls who were rescued during this raid ranged in age from 11-16, spoke no English, had no Green Cards, and had traveled from Thailand and Laos under the impression they had been granted full scholarships to a Christian boarding school, only to arrive in Alabama and end up being held captive in a private, members-only "gentleman's club." The club occupied the second floor of a Pickles Ministries-owned building which not only housed the ministries' administrative offices, but a private suite which Winston Pickles, whose main residence was in Birmingham, used as a pied-à-terre. Considering his standing in the community, Pickles was granted full immunity in exchange for information leading to the arrest of a Laotian travel agent.  

March 14

Dorothy Slater of Hudson Falls, NY won a Lion's Club raffle. The grand prize was an all-expense-paid weekend in NYC, with lodging at The Plaza, and a ticket to Hamilton. Dorothy, who was a junior high school teacher and director of student theater, had read such glowing reviews of the show in the teaching journals she subscribed to, and was excited about the opportunity to see the musical, which was way beyond her means on a teacher's salary. It was an especially crushing blow to her when the show turned out to be so different from what she'd expected. Carrying such fond memories of 1776 - what she considered to be a REAL musical - Dorothy reported back to her coworkers and Principal that she didn't understand all the praise for a show which featured "rap," and that, "American-sounding music that isn't so closely associated with street crime and violence" would have been way more to her liking. As a result of Dorothy's cautions about the true nature of Lin-Manuel Miranda's play, and fears that a hip-hop-based musical might be offensive to the predominantly white community of Hudson Falls, plans to stage Hamilton at Washington Irving Junior High were scrapped, and the Spring production, instead, was Flower Drum Song. 

March 13

German Youtube sensation Pad-E-Cake faced humiliation and an end to his income stream, when his channel, which consisted of clips of him making funny voices while unboxing and eating candy from all over the world, was pulled by Google, Youtube's owner. According to a Google representative, Pad-E-Cake's light-hearted jokes about the Holocaust, and his penchant for wearing a vintage Schutzstaffel uniform on camera, had resulted in an Anti-Defamation League-sponsored petition calling for Pad-E-Cake's content to be removed from the popular streaming service. At the time of Google's announcement, the petition had well over one million signatures from around the globe. During an exclusive interview with Fox News, Pad-E-Cake, whose monthly income from the Youtube channel, which had over 8 million followers worldwide, peaked at $US950,000, said, "The so-called Anti-Defamation League is nothing but an incubator of propaganda. These people are doing what they have done for so long: using their control of the media to squash the expressive freedom of artists such as myself." 

March 12

On the evening of March 12th, 2017, Gerald and Regina Wannamaker of Newport, CA, were distressed to return from a weekend sail to Catalina Island, and find that neither their gardener, Raul, nor their pool boy, Joaquin, had tended to their duties, and readied the grounds for their upcoming GOP fundraising garden party. Upon learning from their housekeeper, Juanita, that Raul and Joaquin had both been visited at the house by a squad of ICE officers, and taken away in handcuffs, due to their questionable immigration statuses, the Wannamakers became very concerned - concerned about their own fates. An emergency consultation with their attorney put their minds at ease, as she assured them that they would face no legal repercussions for employing "illegals," because, "the system doesn't work that way." After hiring temporary staff to get the grounds looking perfect, and hosting a lucrative fundraiser, the Wannamakers fired Juanita, explaining that her having answered the door when ICE had shown up had caused them extreme anguish and very nearly ruined their party. 

March 11

When the Pawnee Nation filed a lawsuit against the Nestle Corporation for sourcing their bottled water from one of the tributaries of the Republican River, to which the Pawnee claimed rights, Nestle, Inc. enlisted the public relations services of NY-based firm, Edelman. Edelman representative Maxwell Kruger quickly issued the following statement to the press, "Nestle is more than a company. It's a family, and the Nestle family name has been injured by this malicious effort to derail a long-standing family tradition of bottling water at the source - a tradition which carries with it a significant dollar value. The Pawnee have no legal basis on which to swoop in and claim this tributary, on which Nestle has maintained a presence for over 36 years. We are prepared to show them, in court, if need be, that that the international Nestle family of companies and subsidiaries have rights, and we aren't afraid to defend those those rights." Six days later, a lobbyist with the Podesta Group, which had been retained by Nestle, met in private with representatives of the Federal Trade Commission and the Bureau of Reclamation. A Federal judge subsequently threw the Pawnee's case out of court, declaring it frivolous and without merit. 

March 10

On this day, in 1987, Clark and Loretta Henderson of Fort Worth, Texas went out to dinner to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary. Wanting something exotic to mark the occasion, they decided to try the new Indian restaurant on West Magnolia Ave. The celebration was ruined when their waiter informed them that the chef could not substitute beef for lamb in the Vindaloo, or in any of the dishes on the menu, in observance of Hindu tradition. The Henderson's were forced to dine on samosas, butter chicken, and Palak paneer. On the drive home, Clark and Loretta agreed that, while the food had been delicious, The Jewel of Jaipur would not be in business for long if the staff didn't change their attitudes and learn to adjust to "normal, American tastes."

March 9

In 2014, an unexpected cold snap destroyed 2/3 of the avocado crop in Southern California, forcing Amanda Chantal Bacon to temporarily halt production of Moon Face Guac, an avocado-based facial mask which sold for $175, and accounted for 12% of Moon Juice's online sales. Devastated by the impact this agricultural nightmare was having on her business, Bacon retreated to a luxury yurt on Isla Espiritu Santo, an uninhabited island off the Mexican Baja coast, where she spent a month nurturing her inner child and healing her spiritual wounds. When a special trade agreement was made wherein avocados would be imported from Israel, enabling a return to production of Moon Face Guac, Bacon emerged from her exile, and resumed her duties at Moon Juice, Inc. 

Due to the same cold snap, 1,500 Mexican nationals who had been in the USA with H-2A Agricultural visas lost out on a season's wages, had their temporary residence status revoked, and were deported, without an opportunity to appeal. 

March 8

On this day in 2016, Michaela Richardson-Porter of Portland, Oregon was forced to shut the doors on her Alberta Street business -  ROAR Water Bar - and faced criminal charges, after a Multnomah County judge ruled that the sale of untreated water sourced directly from the Columbia River not only violated Department of Health standards, but had probably been responsible for the first outbreak of Cholera to occur in North America since 1911. Disillusioned by the unfairness of her circumstances, Richardson-Porter refused to give up her dream of effecting positive change in the world. Criminal charges were eventually dropped and, after paying a small fine, she converted her storefront into an breakfast cereal cafe/silent dance party space. 

March 7

Chucky-Bob Martin of Crystal Springs, Mississippi, left a screening of Black Panther feeling disenfranchised and misunderstood by the fact the film had only two white characters: one a not-too-bright, violent thug, and the other someone in law enforcement who kowtows to the will of the Wakandan black majority. As a result of his deep-seated pain, he went home, gave the movie a one star rating on Rotten Tomatoes, wrote a scathing review, complete with spoilers, on IMDB, and started a Facebook group called, "White Lions: Wakanda Defeated." 

March 6

On this date in 2008, Carrie Weiner of Encino, CA, was horrified to receive a cease-and-desist notice from the estate of Tupac Shakur. The document stated that Weiner had launched a business using the likeness of the late rapper without the consent of his family, let alone a licensing agreement and fee. Weiner, who had earned her first million by the age of 26 with her Ironic Iconic line of high-end, funky babywear contacted her attorney who assured her that Shakur's family was "just trying to cash in on his name," and that nothing would come of it. 

March 5

On this date in 2016, Nathan "N8" Roswell of San Francisco, CA, realized his second favorite Moleskin journal and his Mont Blanc fountain pen were no longer in his Timbuktu bag. He panicked - the journal contained the dystopian novel he'd been working on for six months, and the pen had been a gift from one of his partners in polyamory. Having recently ridden in an Uber driven by a young man from Ghana, he was sure he'd been robbed. Minutes after reporting the crime to Uber, and demanding they take action against the driver, he received a call from The Alden Shop, where he'd gone in for a bespoke shoe fitting earlier in the day. An Alden employee had found the journal and pen in the men's lounge, and placed it in the store vault for safekeeping. Crisis averted.

March 4

Rick Sanderson of Mountain View, CA, was initially distraught when the complete series of Wings he purchased from a Japanese Ebay dealer arrived and turned out to be Region 3. After a moment, he couldn't help but laugh at his disappointment - of course the Pioneer Elite BDP-88FD 4K, 3D Blu-Ray player in his home theater was region-free! His moment of relief was short-lived, though, and turned to grief, when he was confronted with the reality that Region 3 meant the series was on regular, old DVDs, and that he would not be able to enjoy the antics of the Hackett brothers, and their motley crew of Martha's Vineyard pals, in high definition Blu-Ray. 

March 3

On this day, in 2012, William C. Forsyth, a junior at Yale University, took his girlfriend, Rebecca Turnbull, to the Bow Tie Cinema for a midnight, sing-along showing of her favorite movie - High School Musical. When the film began, Forsyth and Turnbull were crushed to discover they'd misunderstood the Fandango listing, and the film being screened was Spike Lee's Skool Daze. Even more horrifying: they were the only white people in the theater. Feeling unsafe, the couple got up to leave, demanding a refund. When they were refused a refund by the cinema's manager, Turnbull became angry, and threatened to call her father, a prominent New Canaan attorney. Forsyth was heard to say, "Don't waste your breath, babe. Forger the money. It doesn't matter." Turnbull then uttered the phrase that went on to become a rallying cry for caucasians everywhere "The money matters. WE MATTER." 

March 2

Thanks to Robert Sanchez, for submitting today's White Histrionic Moment:

On March 2, 2016, Mary Anne Milford went to her county courthouse to register official use of her company’s name and acronym. She was disturbed to discover that she could not use WOKE as an official acronym for her business - Whimsical Original Kitten Earmuffs - as it had already been trademarked as part of the Black Lives Matter movement. She immediately filed a lawsuit against the group, alleging her rights had been violated. “We have nothing personal against coloreds” her lawyer, Norman Carmichael stated in a press release, “but you cannot just decide to use words in any, old way you like. These people don’t understand how important some things are.”

March 1

On this date, in 2012, Lena Dunham gave her first ever television interview to promote her upcoming series, Girls. During the interview, she shocked America by bravely came out as a wealthy, well-connected, white woman with a private school education who had been handed a lucrative development deal with HBO by the age of 23, and wasn't afraid to say that black men who didn't find her attractive were misogynists, or that claims of rape and sexual harassment needed to be taken seriously - except when made by people of color.